Myself; in retrospect
...happy, most people are unhappy.” And she said: “Most people don’t hurt themselves.” I’m obsessive. I have a need for social intimacy that doesn’t get fulfilled, so I obsess over it and over people that I would like to just go talk to but can’t. I have to have something to think about at all times so I don’t start thinking about my life and go crazy. If I’m not occupied I get too depressed to do anything. I suck at talking to people. People make me nervous, I wish I was just able to spark up a conversation with people but I get really nervous and just walk the other way. The only way I can talk to people is if I drink. One of Cano’s friends named CJ I’ve seen around a lot, thought he would be cool to talk to but I never could. We were drinking together the other day and within 10 minutes it was like we were best friends. I drink too much. I rely on alcohol to get me through the day; I look towards the time when I can start drinking. Alcohol fucked up my brother’s life, and I know that, and I still can’t stop drinking. Does that make me crazy? I’m a better person when I drink, I can talk to people, I have stuff to talk about, and I’m happy. I’m self destructive. For all the reasons I previously mentioned I am self destructive. At some point I will actually hit bottom and die, but I can’t seem to care right now. I’m sadistic. A lot of the things I say freak people out. Turns out most people think I’m creepy. I can’t help that I laugh when a little girl falls on the stairs and starts crying. Does that make me crazy? I over think everything. All I do is constantly think, and all it does is depress me, no one ever attained happiness by thinking about things. I’m self indulgent. I know drinking and smoking is only hurting me, but I do it anyways. ...