Assertiveness
...nd 'talks over' others Assertive Behavior: Speaks openly Passive Behavior: Speaks softly Aggressive Behavior: Speaks loudly Assertive Behavior: Uses a conversational tone Passive Behavior: Avoids looking at people Aggressive Behavior: Glares and stares at others Assertive Behavior: Makes good eye contact Passive Behavior: Shows little or no expression Aggressive Behavior: Intimidates others with expressions Assertive Behavior: Shows expressions that match the message Passive Behavior: Slouches and withdraws Aggressive Behavior: Stands rigidly, crosses arms, invades others' personal space Assertive Behavior: Relaxes and adopts an open posture and expressions Passive Behavior: Isolates self from groups Aggressive Behavior: Controls groups Assertive Behavior: Participates in groups Passive Behavior: Agrees with others, despite feelings Aggressive Behavior: Only considers own feelings, and/or demands of others Assertive Behavior: Speaks to the point Passive Behavior: Values self less than others Aggressive Behavior: Values self more than others Assertive Behavior: Values self equal to others Passive Behavior: Hurts self to avoid hurting others Aggressive Behavior: Hurts others to avoid being hurt Assertive Behavior: Tries to hurt no one (including self) Passive Behavior: Does not reach goals and may not know goals Aggressive Behavior: Reaches goals but hurts others in the process Assertive Behavior: Usually reaches goals without alienating others Passive Behavior: You're okay, I'm not Aggressive Behavior: I'm okay, you're not Assertive Behavior: I'm okay, you're okay Tips for Behaving More Assertively If you want to be more assertive, but aren't sure how, here are some tips to get you started. But remember, the best way to become more assertive is through practice. Visit the Role Playing and Sample Situations section of this course for some test cases and try practicing with friends, family, or counselors. Speak up when you have an idea or opinion. This is one of the biggest steps toward being more assertive and can be easier than you think. It may be as simple as raising your hand in class when you know the answer to a question, suggesting a change to your boss or coworkers, or offering an opinion at a party (even if it's just your opinion of a new movie or book.) Stand up for your opinions and stick to them. It can be a little harder to express opinions and stick to them when you know that others may disagree, but try to avoid being influenced by others' opinions just out of the desire to fit in. You may change your mind when someone presents a rational argument that makes you see things in a new light, but you shouldn't feel a need to change your mind just because you're afraid of what others may think. Like as not, you'll gain more respect for standing up for yourself than you will for not taking a stand. Make requests and ask for favors. Most people find it hard to ask for help when they need it, but people don't always offer without being asked. As long as your requests are reasonable (for example, "Would you mind holding the door while I carry my suitcase to the car?" as opposed to "Would you mind carrying my suitcase to the car while I hang out and watch TV?") most people are willing to help out. If your requests are reasonable (meaning, would you agree or respond kindly if someone asked the same of you?), don't feel bad about asking. Refuse requests if they are unreasonable. It's perfectly appropriate to turn down requests if they are unreasonable or if you don't have the time or resources. For example, if someone asks you to do something that makes you feel uncomfortable or you think is wrong, it's fine to simply say no ("I'm sorry but I don't feel right doing that" or "I'm sorry but I can't help you with that.") It's also fine to turn down someone if you feel overwhelmed. If you are concerned that you aren't being fair to others, ask if their favors are fair to you (would you ask the same of them? would you expect them to say yes every time?) You can always offer to help in the future or help in another way ("I'm sorry but I don't have time to help you with that today, but I could help you tomorrow" or "I won't write your report for you, but I'd be happy to talk to you about it and read it over when you're done.") As long as you don't turn down every request that comes your way, you shouldn't feel guilty. Accept both compliments and feedback. Accepting compliments seems easy, but people often make little of them because they are embarrassed ("Oh it was nothing" or "It's not a big deal".) But don't make less of your accomplishments. It's fine to simply say "thank you" when people give you compliments -- just don't chime in and begin complimenting yourself or you'll lose their admiration pretty quickly! ("You're right, I AM great!") Similarly, be prepared to accept feedback from others that may not always be positive. While no one needs to accept unwarranted or insulting advice, if someone gives you helpful advice in the right context, try to accept it graciously and act upon it. Accepting feedback (and learning from it) will often earn you respect and future compliments. Question rules or traditions that don't make sense or don't seem fair. Just because something 'has always been that way' doesn't mean it's fair. If you feel a tradition or rule is unfair to you or others, don't be afraid to speak up and question why that rule exists. Rather than break a rule or law, find out the reasoning behind it. If you still think it's wrong, talk to friends or coworkers, work with counselors and legislators, and see if there is a way to change it. While some rules are less flexible and should be respected (for example, a family's decision not to allow cigarette smoking in their house or the state laws about drunk driving), others may be open to debate (for example, why a public place doesn't have wheelchair access or your school computers aren't compatible with assistive technology.) Insist that your rights be respected. While you want to choose your battles carefully (the right to equal pay in the workplace is probably more important than your right to wear your Hawaiian T-shirt to work on Fridays), you do have basic rights that you should feel comfortable standing up for. Some of these rights may be guaranteed you under law, such as your medical, employment, and educational rights. Other rights may involve basic courtesy - such as the right to be treated fairly, equally, and politely by friends, coworkers, and family. Tips for Behaving Less Aggressively If you want to be assertive but are concerned that others may find you too aggressive (or others have told you that you are too aggressive), here are some recommendations for turning aggressive behavior into assertive behavior. Give others a chance to speak. It's important to express yourself, but if you're the only one speaking or you constantly control conversations, you may not be giving others the chance to express themselves. Respect others' opinions. You may disagree with other people's opinions (and some of them may be outrageous!), but everyone has a right to their opinion and the right to express it. If you disagree with someone, try to discuss your differences rationally. Be diplomatic. Expressing your opinion is important, but not always at the expense of others. If you know what you are going to say could be painful, yet you feel it still needs to be said, try: Saying it in a kinder way (for example, "I disagree" instead of "You're wrong"); Cushioning your comment with a compliment (for example, "Mary has had some great ideas, but I just don't think this one will work" instead of "That's stupid"); or Recognizing it's a difficult topic and handling it discreetly (for example, "You know, I really don't want to hurt your feelings, but I think you should know ... ") Choose assertive (not aggressive) language. Focus on specific behavior and facts instead of opinions (for example, "These documents weren't filed in order" instead of "You're sloppy and disorganized") Avoid exaggerations (for example, "You were late for the third time this week" instead of "You're never on time") Focus on "I" not "You" language (for example, "I would like a chance to say something" instead of "You're always interrupting") Avoid bullying and demanding behavior. When making requests, avoid phrases that may make people feel bullied like "you must" or "you have to" and focus on language like "I think it would be better if ... " Also, think about what you are asking of others -- are your requests reasonable, or are they are unrealistic, unfair or selfish? Avoid physically aggressive behavior. Behavior such as glaring, shouting, slamming doors, throwing things, or invading others' personal space (for example by speaking 'in their face', pointing or jabbing them, or grabbing their arm) is physically aggressive. This behavior both scares and alienates people. No matter how angry or passionate you are about an issue, it is important to exercise physical control. Others won't respect you if your behavior indicates that you don't respect them. Asserting Yourself in Important Situations Everyone has rights, some of which are protected by law, others that are basic courtesy. Asserting your rights is important, especially when they may affect your health, career, or relationships. Some things to remind yourself when faced with important decisions: Healthcare You have the right to: Ask questions. Don't be afraid to ask a doctor, nurse or counselor, about a diagnosis, recommended treatment, or prescribed drug. You may worry that their time is important but so are your time and your health. You have a right to ask and receive a full explanation about anything pertaining to your health. Get a second opinion. Doctors, nurses, and counselors are not infallible. If you are concerned about a diagnosis or recommended treatment, even after a healthcare professional has explained it to you, it's your right to go see someone else. (Although you may have to discuss this with your insurance company before doing so.) If the information you're being given could drastically affect your life, don't feel as though you have to rely on one person's word. Healthcare professionals are right more often than they are wrong (otherwise they wouldn't be practicing), but it doesn't hurt to see other professionals for their opinion. Refuse treatment and/or seek alternative treatment. This is often a scary and difficult decision, but if you are a competent adult, you do have the right to refuse medical treatment. You may choose to do so because you have received a different opinion from another expert in the field; you may do so because you are afraid the drawbacks of the treatment will outweigh the benefits (for example, undergoing chemotherapy when there's only a small chance your cancer will spread); or you may do so for other, personal reasons. Deciding to refuse treatment or seek alternative treatments against your healthcare professional's advice can be very risky and should be considered very carefully. If you have doubts about a treatment or diagnosis, even after getting a second opinion, consider doing research (focusing on reliable resources!), talking to others who have experienced the treatment or diagnosis, and getting even a third or fourth opinion. Stay Informed. Some of your options may be limited by time, availability, or what you or your insurance is willing and able to pay, but your right to be informed doesn't have to be limited. Your local library, the Internet, health care and community centers, and advocacy groups are all good places to look for more information. Just remember to assess the validity of the information you find -- ask questions like, "Who is distributing this information?"; "What is their agenda?"; "What are their credentials?"; and "What are they not addressing?" Work and School You have the right to: Equal opportunity No matter what your race, gender, or abilities, the law guarantees you equal access to jobs and an education. You cannot be turned down for a job or be rejected from a school based simply on your physical attributes. You cannot be denied the same opportunities available to others. Equal rewards Just as you have the right to the same opportunities, you have the right to the same rewards. If you perform as well as others at work or at school, you deserve the same compensation (be it in the form of a grade or a paycheck.) Family and Friends Sometimes, asserting oneself around people you care for can be harder than asserting oneself elsewhere in life. That's because these are people you care for and depend upon. However, that doesn't mean you don't deserve to be treated fairly by them. Just as you expect fair treatment from your boss, coworkers, or teachers, you should expect the same from tho...