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Zoo Atlanta (SatireWire.com) — Nations are at war. Economies are weak. Male strippers have officially entertained the Queen Mother. Humanity now faces, as Washington Irving once said so prophetically after falling down drunk into a cistern, a "dark hour of adversity." But this is not the case in the rest of the animal kingdom. There is strife, yes. There is death, certainly. But there have been no "recessions," no "postal crises," no documented acts of genocide. So it seemed wise, even prudent, to seek counsel from the animal kingdom; these multifarious species, many of which predate humankind and have survived cataclysms far worse than our present imaginings. The only question was, would they? After all, for the last few millennia, mankind itself has been the primary exgenitor of most animal species. Why would they wish to advise and abet the very enemy without whom they might prosper? Why would they cede the secrets of their stamina to those who seem to care so little for their kind? Because we threatened to kill them. THE BABOON: I'm a little close to the situation, evolution-wise, so perhaps I'm not objective, but I think Nietzsche was onto something when he said, and I'll paraphrase, that liberal institutions are the enemies of freedom. Liberal institutions do nothing to ensure freedom, if you consider the "freedom to live" as paramount. If you accept that, you realize that liberal institutions, the paladins of so-called "equality," do not ensure the healthy propagation of the species, but safeguard the propagation of the physically unfit. I'll cite an example: You made Gary Coleman an icon. We would have eaten him at birth. Unless humans overcome this tendency, they are doomed. And I don't think they are capable of overcoming it, which is why I'm always bemused when I hear humans say, "We'd better watch out, or we'll all be swinging from the trees again." Well, not in my neighborhood, cause we'd kick your ass. THE PANDA BEAR: You must ask yourself, "Do I live in a safely enclosed area where I am well fed and admired and cheered when I have sex?" If this is not your arrangement, then you are doing something wrong. But you must always beware the zookeeper with the cold fingers. ANGERED BY SNUBBING, LIBYA, CHINA SYRIA FORM AXIS OF JUST AS EVIL Cuba, Sudan, Serbia Form Axis of Somewhat Evil; Other Nations Start Own Clubs Beijing (SatireWire.com) — Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the "Axis of Evil," Libya, China, and Syria today announced they had formed the "Axis of Just as Evil," which they said would be way eviler than that stupid Iran-Iraq-North Korea axis President Bush warned of his State of the Union address. Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the new axis as having, for starters, a really dumb name. "Right. They are Just as Evil... in their dreams!" declared North Korean leader Kim Jong-il. "Everybody knows we're the best evils... best at being evil... we're the best." Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being excluded, although they conceded they did ask if they could join the Axis of Evil. "They told us it was full," said Syrian President Bashar al-Assad. "An Axis can't have more than three countries," explained Iraqi President Saddam Hussein. "This is not my rule, it's tradition. In World War II you had Germany, Italy, and Japan in the evil Axis. So you can only have three. And a secret handshake.
Approximate Word count = 2310
Approximate Pages = 9.2
(250 words per page double spaced)
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