|
|
This is only a preview of the paper
Click here to register and get the full text.
Existing members click here to login
|
|
|
so here is your long awaited letter the letter you have been wanting to recieve it has taken several days to write and i didint want to sent it until it was "finished" and i could still write for several more days but i think this letter is a unnessarly long letter and i am sure you dont mind this letter contains statments that you wont like statements that you will love and statements that you will read over and over again trying to make sence of them or just trying to understand what has been written this letter contains statements that dont make scence and some statements that have no meaning at all it also contains statements that are truely how i feel there is no editing just how you want it in a raw inedited form this letter contains things that i remember things that i think things that have happened, are happening, and are going to happen i have writen this letter without pressing the delete key unless to correct a misspelling i have done this because i find myself writing letters to you and deleting over half the letter.....editing it because i think you should not know about some things that i think and i have not edited this letter in anyway except spelling errors with all of that in mind enjoy i dont want to care anymore i find myself thinking of you way too much i am tired from all the energy it takes and all the emotion that results from all the pondering of how things could have been...should have been...and are going to be through all the experiences i have learned to be not so "chill" not to just take what i get and be ok with it i have learned if i wan t something/someone i have to grow some fucking balls and persue it/them or...as a result i will regret it for the rest of my life. if you think about it was better not to be if we started back in ninth grade if we were still together by our eleventh grade summer i would have still moved and if we stayed together for three years we would have some deep feelings for each other and the separation would have been far worse so in a way i dont regret it so much at least that is how i am rationalizing it today i dont know how to express myself to you i speak to you in indefinite statements that imply things and we have a relationship that is based upon the implication of what is said i should just tell you exactly what i am thinking at the moment and quit all the bullshit games i should stop editing everything that is said to you i think i was just trying to control our relationship...make it better...perfect? but our relationship is not perfect far from it way the hell from it i have never seen such a fucked up relationship but i like it hate it love it its kind of like becoming an alcoholic while you are participating in the getting drunk part its a great feeling and it makes you feel good but the day after you regret ever meeting it you regret ever going out and you swear to yourself you will never do it again then next week your at a party playing drinking games with people you dont know or like (except for the guys) what a fucked up analogy...to describe our relationship but its not that bad at least at the moment so i should stop trying to make our relationship "perfect" because it is impossible impossible through letters and the occasional phone call so i shall stop playing i think speak to you in a indefinite statements because i dont want you to know what was really felt because allowing you to have that knowledge would give you the advantage in our relationship it allows you to know exactly how i feel without me knowing what you are thinking or feeling and after possesing that knowledge i cant tell if your response to what i say is what you really feeling and thinking or it is just what you want to tell me. trying not to "hurt" me because i think you have been/are in a relationship i which our roles are reversed you are the one who was/is at the disadvantage in the relationship and have been "hurt"/are "hurting" and you know what it is like and you dont want to impose that feeling upon someone else but i like our relationship fake or not for i have come to the realization that if i want to do something or want something to happen its not going to happen the way i want it to unless i actively pursue it. i thank you for the most painful but by far the best and most useful lesson i have yet to experience i am also tired of writing you letters about our relationship the past has happened and i have learned from it what is the past good for, but to learn from it? i think i write about the past because our past is better than our future. because our future will pretty much be non existent...compared to our past what the hell am i talking about i control my future our future can be far better than our past i learned that from a great friend regrettably, through painful occurrences so this is the last letter which will contain excerpts from our past i also hate sounding so fucked up all the time its just i dont see how a week or two could have such a profound effect upon someone i dont know how else to explain it except love but how can love occur in a week...or a night i think it is impossible for "love at first sight" to occur how can someone "fall in love" with someone they have not meet granted they could exhibit a love for some one with out meeting the but not real love love is not given or received that quickly...real love anyway love is developed over time that is the way i think it should be but it is not obviously it dosent happen that way i guess i just dont want to admit it i dont want to admit it i dont want to admit it because i fear it will never happen again i dont want to admit it because all that follow will have to compare to you i dont want to admit it because it would mean never forgetting because it would be far too painful going through live thinking such thoughts because that is no way to live a life seeing this is the last letter containing our past i should tell of all the occurrences in which i feel could be told in the time aloted i should probably start at the beginning a good place i dont remember a lot of the beginning so lets start at a place that seems to be a good start one of the first conversations i remember having with you was in art...ninth grade we were all sitting at our table it was really me and nathans and reds table you and hallie migrated to our table somewhere at the beginning of the year and the table was in front of that bookshelf and the cabinet thing me and nathan sat across from each other on the short ends of the table you hallie and red across the only long end capable of being sat at with out too much effort red next to nathan, hallie next to red, you next to hallie, and me next to you...you sat on the corner kind of our conversation we (hallie, me and you) were talking about us being friends and i remember telling you i didnt consider us to be friends because we never did anything out side of school so we decided to do something and become friends i dont remember what we decided to do but we decided to do something i think we decided to do something at mimis what an idea i hated going to mimis she always flirted all the damn time i dont mind flirting its just its mimi and shes mimi i remember going swimming at mimis with you dont remember much about that i remember being in the pool and you were standing at the edge of the pool and you called me over you wanted me to look at you toes you had painted them painted a union jack upon them i remember walking home you three decided to walk me home and hallie had no shoes so i carried her all the way to my house i hated walking i remember she kept breathing down my neck while i carried her i dont know if it was on purpose or not but i asked her to stop i she kind of took offence to it someone breathing on my neck is just one of those things you know one of those things and i felt kind of weird at that moment another one of those things is when there looking down at you and their hair falls down into their face and they look at you though their hair...that look in their eyes and then they pull their hair back behind their ear without taking their eyes off of you but their eyes have to have that look i remember going to wal-mart with you three we went there at like two in the morning and we were walking around and mimi started grabing my hand while we were walking and told you two we were holding hands, what a bitch i remember standing in where all the cds are and telling hallie i would burn her some cds that is the only time i lied to her well i did burn them its just that she never recieved them so i didnt really lied to her she never got them because she moved to memphis with out telling me i found out on the first day of school the cds were weezers green album and radioheads kid a i case you were wondering she never told me she was moving to memphis and the week before school she called me she just called me one day for no reason at all she just wanted to talk and we talked for a couple of hours we talked about stupid shit to i was cleaning my room and talking to her at the same time so we talked about the shit under my bed and stupid shit like that why? i know not why she has never called scince and we never really talked about it well i would be kind of weird if she called me now but i wouldnt mind we never really got to know each other very well i should call her just to talk about stupid shit i remember all the bull shit projects i did in art that wire sculpture of the women with the earing that "discovering art" book that i glued all those coloring pencils to i remember writing all over that table everyday placing our names upon it painting it writing with perminate markers all over it i remember that time we dumped all that gule all over it and mrs coppola made us stay after and clean it up she make us use ajax and paper towles and it was after several weeks of writing on it and she wanted the whole thing cleaned it made me late for football practice and coach coleman made me run an extra two miles because mrs coppola told him what i had done i remember coach cloeman in ninth grade i liked him in fact i kind of admired him he seemed like he was a nice guy to me anyway i remember the last football game we were loosing to macaurther and it was half time he was talking to us...trying to motovate us and he was telling us what we needed to do to win the game and after that he told some people to come with him he singled out peter, matt medlock, jordan.
Approximate Word count = 8003
Approximate Pages = 32
(250 words per page double spaced)
|
|
|
|
|
|