Cracked Classics: Mississippi River Blues
... gave Tom a paper clip and some kite string for the privilege. Soon other boys and girls came by and saw what was going on and they to gave Tom things just to be able to help paint. When it was all done, Tom sat back and laughed. He had a whole pile of stuff and a completely painted fence, front and back without doing any of the work. Devin and Frankie realized that they had been had. But, a kid as smart as Tom could possibly help the two of them find the missing autograph. They told Tom that they were looking for treasure and that Tom could help if he wanted to. Tom said he would, but first they had to get the help of Huckleberry Finn. Huck to his friends, if he had any besides Tom. When they found Huck, he was tying a string around a cat that had been dead for a couple of days. Huck said that dead cats were better to have than live cats because they smell more and can be used to cure warts. By taking the dead cat to the graveyard at midnight and putting it on the grave of a mean, recently dead person and chanting a spell, it will make your warts go away. Huck and Tom agreed to help look for the ‘treasure’ if Frankie and Devin went with them to the graveyard that night at midnight. After leaving Huck to play with his dead cat, Tom and the kids went to Tom’s school. It was a one-room schoolhouse, and a small room at that. Inside the teacher, Mr. Dobbin made Tom sit next to the new girl, Becky Thatcher. Tom really liked Becky, but when he tried to talk to her he just ended up making her mad. Devin tried to help out but he just made things worse. Luckily Frankie read ahead in the book and saved the boys from further embarrassment. It was now midnight and they were in the graveyard. After finding a new grave deep in the cemetery, Huck put the dead cat on the fresh dirt and the kids all set down to wait for the spirits to come and take their warts away. Soon three figures came towards them out of the mist, but they weren’t spirits. Devin noticed that they were carrying lanterns, and as we all know, spirits don’t use lanterns. It turned out to be Doc Robinson, Muff Potter and Injun Joe, coming to steal the dead body for Doc’s experiments. Frankie and Devin told Tom and Huck that they couldn’t call Joe ‘Injun Joe’ because it wasn’t politically correct, so they settled on Stinky Joe. Once Joe and Muff had dug up the body, they demanded more money from Doc. Doc hit Muff and knocked him out. Joe pulled a knife out and killed the Doc, then he put the knife in Muff’s hand. When Muff woke up, Joe lied and told Muff that he had killed the Doc in the struggle. Joe told Muff that he was a good friend and that he wouldn’t tell anyone about it. They left the bodies where they lay and disappeared into the cemetery. The kids saw it all. The next day Tom and Huck told Devin and Frankie that they had to sign a blood oath not to tell anybody about what they had seen. As they stood talking, people around them were talking about the Doc’s murder and were looking for Muff Potter. Seems Stinky Joe was living up to his name and had swore that he had seen Muff kill the Doc. The kids felt bad that Muff was caught and thrown into jail, so they passed food into him through the window in his cell. They were still to afraid of Stinky Joe to tell anyone. When a few days, and pages, pass we find Tom and the kids back at school. Tom makes a fool of himself again in front of Becky and he is so distraught he decides to run away and become a pirate. Devin and Frankie read ahead and find Tom with Huck and another boy, Joe Harper ready to set sail on a raft to a nearby island on the Mississippi. The kids join the crew and off they sail, making it to the island without to much trouble. Once they had made camp they explored the island. Nothing was there but rocks and brush. Out on the water they saw a riverboat shooting a canon into the water. Tom, Huck and Joe figured that they were looking for their drowned bodies. The canon balls stir the water and bring bodies up to the surface. That night Tom and Devin went back into town and overheard Aunt Polly talk about the boys and the funeral; in a couple of days. Once back on the island, Tom convinced Huck and Joe to stay put till the funeral. On the day of the funeral, the boys snuck up to the church and heard the nice things everyone was saying about them. When they couldn’t take it any longer, the opened the church doors and marched down the isle. Everyone was happy to see them, even Becky Thatcher. The next day was Muff Potters trial. The night before the trial Tom, Huck, Devin and Frankie talked with Muff through the jail cell window. Muff knew that he hadn’t lived a very good life, but he had done some kind things for Huck and Tom. He was sorry that Doc died, but he didn’t remember killing him. He wasn’t looking forward to tomorrow. At the trial the prosecution called a lot of witnesses and the defense lawyer for Muff never asked any questions. When it was the defenses turn the first witness he called was Tom Sawyer. Seems after talking to Muff the night before, Tom went to the lawyer and told him what he had seen in the graveyard. On the witness stand Tom told everything exactly as it happened, leaving out the fact that Huck, Frankie and Devin were there. Just as he got to the part about Stinky Joe killing the Doc, Joe jumped up and out the window of the courthouse. Muff was set free and a search party was formed, but Stinky Joe was nowhere to be found. This was all well and good, but Frankie and Devin still hadn’t found the autograph. Tom suggested that ‘treasure’ is usually buried in haunted houses. It just so happened that they had a haunted house right there in town, on Cardiff’s Hill. They grabbed shovels and picks and headed up to the house. The house wasn’t in good condition, and it looked as if no one had been there for a long time. The kids were upstairs when they heard someone coming. It was Stinky Joe and another short, fat, very smelly guy that no one recognized. Joe set down and opened a large chest with a fortune in money inside. Also inside the chest was the autograph! Joe said that after finishing up a little revenge, they were going to head to Texas with the stolen money. The other guy noticed the shovels the kids had left downstairs. Joe tried to come up the stairs to see if they were still in the house, but the stairs collapsed. Joe and the stinky guy left to hide their secret place, “number two ...