Caring For My Dying Grandma
...elp them reach a state of acceptance and peace. Under hospice care the focus shifts from the medical prolongation of life to the individual, her comfort, dignity and concerns. Our hospice provided a full range of services, from daily nurse visits, to social worker check-ins, to CNA’s daily home visits. This allowed us to keep grandmother at home, for the last 5 weeks of her life. All those services are just not available everywhere. The best way I know of to choose a hospice is to simply call, talk to the nurses, discover if a rapport exists. It is most important for the patient to do this, if possible, even though hospice services are really for the entire family. If you have a physician you are happy with, ask him or her which hospice he is affiliated with. At first it was hard for me to talk with our nurse and social worker because I was trying so very hard to be brave and I knew I was facing serious responsibilities. I had already been through months of dealing with medical personnel who were often difficult and unresponsive. Gradually I learned to relax a bit, and by the time my grandmother went home from the hospital, I felt completely supported and cared for. I had learned that Nurse Kerry could get my grandmother to take medication much more successfully than I could, that volunteer Stacey could take of her, when I couldn't be there, and that, CNA Patty could bathe her and she was alright with that. At hospice there were people who could give my grandma the extra love and care that she deserved. Although we chose to keep grandmother at home, the nurses were so very helpful in helping me to understand the dying process and they were willing to share their experience with me. I will always be grateful to the nurse who said to me, as I was getting ready to go home for a few days, "Don't worry about your grandma. She hasn't started reaching yet, she will be with us for a few more days". Sure enough, the day after my return she was reaching out frequently, and speaking to her own mother. I knew she was doing what most other patients do, and that she was among staff who understood. The volunteers were wonderful too, providing the extra care and companionship my grandmother needed when I couldn't be there. During this time we tried to prepare our grandfather and all the family for Grandma's death. Because she focused on her own quality of life, and gave us a marvelous example of facing death with courage and the ability to enjoy each day and each person she met, we did not go into "Grandma is dying" with our children until her death was imminent, and we tried to answer all the questions honestly . We did tell everyone, a few months before Hospice came into the picture, that "Grandma has a disease that the doctors can't fix". After my frequent absences to care for her, I was careful not to say that she was better, but only feeling better. Our younger child was sad that he didn't get to go to see her, and to say goodbye , but the distances involved, and my grandmother’s wish, was not to upset the children, if at all posssible. Although I wish that had been different, there was a reality I had to face through this entire experience: you can't care for a dying elderly grandparent and young children at the same time. You can take turns, you can leave each in the care of loving individuals to see to the other, but you simply can't fulfill a child's needs from a hospital room in a far-away city and you can't be the one to take Grandmother to the doctor 1250 miles away on the day of the school play. We have to be satisfied with our best effort. Several factors helped me in my juggling act. My husband had lost both his father and his brother rather suddenly, and so he was very supportive of me and did all he could during my absences. My children were used to our daily routine, and so gained security by doing all the familiar things at the accustomed times even when I wasn't there. Thanks to modern technology, I was able to receive calls from my children on my cell phone, even from the hospital or doctor's office, or while on the road (I drove over 26,000 miles in the six months before my mother's death commuting between our two cities). I sent emails when I wasn't available until midnight, and my children read them upon waki...