Difficult Conversations
...etation and assumptions come into play. Staying focused on the facts eliminates assumptions about other people. What we may assume is an intention from this other person really isn’t there. We invent intentions and then we try to justify our thoughts as valid. Thus, difficult conversations become intense, feelings get hurt, and the communication process comes to a quick halt. The “Feelings” conversation is based on emotions. “The question is not whether strong feelings will arise, but how to handle them when they do” (p. 12). Most of us work hard to keep our feelings out of our conversations. Bringing up our feelings can be uncomfortable and make us feel vulnerable. What if someone ignores my feelings? What if someone really takes my feelings seriously and damages our relationship? Do we really want to hear someone complain? Most conversations do not involve each other’s feelings. But to keep your feelings held hostage inside you might not be the best way to handle a difficult conversation. Understanding feelings, talking about feelings and managing feelings are difficult for everyone at some point in time. The “Identity” conversation may be the “most subtle and the most challenging” (p. 14). The Identity conversation looks inward to our self-esteem, our self-image and to our sense of who we are in this world. How we handle a difficult conversation says a lot about ourselves to ourselves. How many times have you asked yourself before seeking advice, “What will my friends think about me?” What if I don’t take this person’s advice will they be angry at me?” The Identity conversation brings questions to our character. If we lose confidence in ourselves, lose concentration or forget what we were going to say what would the other person think about us. For some people the thoughts of such actions can be paralyzing. The urge to flee can become overwhelming. Anxiety flows through our veins leaving us with panic and trouble breathing. Everyone has a history. Everyone has his or her learned ways of dealing with a difficult conversation. But, what if you wanted to express yourself more? What if you want to be heard more? What if you want to persuade people more? Difficult Conversations will help you turn a difficult conversation into a learning conversation by helping you handle each of the Three conversations more productively and improving your ability to handle all three at once. So we think they are the problem and they think we are the problem. We disagree with each other. We assume about them and create labels to justify our assumptions. Before you get into a difficult conversation and fall into a blame game react toward the other person as if he or she was teaching you and you wanted to learn? Ask questions to clarify unsure statements. Ask what their intentions may be. Remain calm and focused on their conversation. Avoid hostility as much as possible. If you have to be defensive, don’t make it personal. Remember that feelings are a dangerous place to tread when hostilities surface. Feelings are a part of us the make our relationships feel alive. Managing our feelings can also be challenging. You may feel that keeping your feelings out of a difficult conversation is easy. They can alter your voice, change your tone or show up in your body language or facial expressions. You may think that you are cool and calm but the other person will see and hear ho...