eduardo
...im before. Poor Eduardo was not having a good day at all. He grabbed his chest and doubled over in pain. Right when he began thinking this was more than likely the worst day he ever had, he fell out in the floor. Luckily, the janitor that was paid to come every three and a half hours (I mean hello! This place was freaken sanitary) came in and found Eduardo passed out in the floor. He picked him up and took him to the hospital. When Eduardo woke up, he had a seizure and was kept in the hospital for testing for a ling time. He cried every night because he still did not have his vacuum. The nurses in the hospital became especially fond of Eduardo, and they knew about his precious friend. They tried to help his feelings some by bringing him them little dirt devils, the kind that your grandma uses to clean upon cookie crumbs off the floor but it just wasn’t the same! The stupid dirt devils, or whatever, did nothing for Eduardo. They had hardly any of the suction power Brianrietta had! Finally on Martin Luther King’s birthday, he was released from the hospital. He rejoiced greatly that blessed day, and even rewarded himself on getting better by going to the appliance section of Sears and looking at the vacuums and other household appliances. Well, as Eduardo still pursued his search of Brianrietta, his job summoned him to Russia. He was saddened at this, because his job assignment this term would be none other than a security guard for the Russian prisons. And as we all know, Eduardo was a very kind, gentle guy, who only wanted to find his vacuum and be left alone. But even still, he flew to Russia on the next plane he could find and began his job. It was filled with daily screams and torturous yells from the prisoners. He soon found out that the tow evil Russian government workers, Velma and Bianca, caused these screams. He was terrified of these two women and did not want to have any contact with them whatsoever. One day, his manager came to him and told him that Bianca had been eating a candied apple, but tried to eat it too fast, and it became lodged in her esophagus, cutting off all circulation to her larynx, causing massive swelling in the throat cavity, which caused a goiter (like the ones your paw paw gets when he eats too much salt on his peas) and she needed immediate surgery. She would be gone from work for several weeks. Since they had no other employees available, Eduardo would be forced to take over Bianca’s job. This grieved him tremendously. He was not a mean person, and definitely did not want to torture people. He couldn’t imagine taping someone’s eyelid’s open and pouring paint thinner in them, or one of Velma and Bianca’s favorites, putting victims in a chair, prying their mouth open, tying their tongue to a bar, which allows no swallowing, and at the same time, putting cotton in their mouth, and forcing them to eat 9, o12 gallons of peanut butter. Gosh, this was going to be terrible! Unless, AH HA! What if he could convince Velma to do something better with her life than torturing people? So, he set out on his mission of GOOD. He began talking to Velma daily, and finding out her interests. He worked with her every day, right by her side, handing her the super glue for people’s eye lids, and mixing up the salt water that would be used to poor into people’s belly buttons, once Velma burned them off with her cigars. They continued on this way, for what seemed to be weeks. During this time, Eduardo tried to become friends with Velma. He talked to her all the time, mainly about Brianrietta. Velma told Eduardo that she could relate to him, because she had once lost her pet waffle iron, Douglas. But she told him she eventually found him in her fruit cellar. She told Eduardo that if she ever came to America, she would bring Douglas and they could all go to Sea World together. They were sitting around the guillotine, when all of a sudden, the door opened and in walked Bianca, wheeling an oxygen tank behind her from her tracheotomy she had. But despite the huge hole in her throat, and the raspy noise she made every time she inhaled, she looked relatively healthy. She was in a good mood and told Eduardo and Velma that she was ready to get back to work. This upset Eduardo, since he had been working so hard on trying to convert Velma from her literally torturous ways. But this would definitely not happen with Bianca loving her job so much. So Eduardo decided that he would have to make Bianca not love it so much. This was definitely out of character for Eduardo. As a matter of fact, he was kind of excited about this adventure he was about to embark upon. It wasn’t every day that he got to be all secretive and somewhat evil. Well I guess that is, if you don’t count the fact that he was assistant torturer for the Russian prison. So everyday Eduardo would go to each of the prisoner’s cells and talk to them about Bianca. He found out that everyone hated her tremendously. I mean, I think I would probably hate her too, if she stuck thumbtacks in all of my pores and then took a cheese grater to my face. So he told them his plan to try to make Bianca quit her job. They figured since Bianca loved to torture so much, then if the prisoners started enjoying the torture, Bianca would no longer delight in it, and therefore, not want to do it, leaving her jobless. So everyday, Eduardo would go into all the prisoner’s cells, and talk to them about his plan. They decided that from now on, instead of wailing and screaming like usual when Bianca tortures them, they would giggle and laugh with glee. And that’s what they did. Everyday, Bianca would come in with her whips and chains and sometimes blow torches, but as she tortured them to no end, they laughed and giggled like little girls rolling their mothers in leaves, after covering them with doubled-sided tape. Well, after several weeks of this, Bianca got highly annoyed. She no longer found joy in other’s pain, and could not understand why. She turned in her letter of resignation and decided she would become a hermit. But, Eduardo had worked too hard to just let Bianca waste the rest of her life like that! He had a wonderful idea, for both Velma and Bianca. He had found the perfect job for them. Something they would enjoy doing and make money too! Their job would be none other than vacuum cleaner salesmen! Hooray! When the two head torturers quit, Eduardo was no longer needed. He could go back to the states, and try to find Brianrietta. Day and night he searched and searched, but he had no luck. Eduardo dear, Hello baby. This is Mommy! Don’t worry my sweet. I’m coming to pick you up the next time your uncle comes by the house. You know I have to wait on him before I can leave, so he can jump start the Yugo. I’m sorry that this has happened to you I know how attached you were to that old thing! I really don’t understand. I mean, I knew you had some strange obsession when you were little, but I always thought you would grow out of it. I guess I should have taken it as a sign when you began racing vacuums underground for a hobby. Oh well. But I’m sure Brianrietta will turn up! Until then you can just stay with me here. Call me when you receive this dear! Love, your mother, Mother Eduardo folded back the letter and put it on the table. His...