Best Man
...00... So I hope you will be a little bit more forgiving and lenient than the last lot were. I have never been a best man before so lacking any experience I thought that the simplest way to put a speech together was to get one from the Internet, I looked at hundreds of ready-made speeches only to discover that 95% of them always start with the same joke.. That being best man is like making love to the Queen Mother - it's a great honour - but nobody wants to do it - so I thought I wouldn't use that one. Actually, being the best man is a big responsibility, and one that I have not taken lightly. I conducted a lot of research to make sure that I wouldn' t forget anything, and came up with a checklist of what my basic duties should be. Item 1 Arrange the Stag Night The less said about this the better, but I think you will agree that "grooms name" does look rather fetching in an orange affro. Item 2 On the wedding day, bring a credit card and loads of cash in case there is anything the groom may have forgotten to pay for. Well, ever since I have known "grooms name", I have had to do this so thats nothing new. Item 3 Help the groom dress himself. It took a while, but I did eventually manage to persuade "grooms name" that the Church had a strict no jeans and trainers door policy Item 4 Ensure that the groom is sober, punctual, has his shoelaces tied , his flies done up and uses the toilet before the service, I knew I had forgotten something, you can go to the toilet now "grooms name". Item 5 It is my responsibility to make sure his face and hair are in order. I think that this duty is quite unfair, if God couldn't do it the first time what chance to I have? The rules also stated that I should sing the praises of the groom and tell you all about his good points. So what can I say about him. He's Handsome Witty Intelligent Charming Er..Er... Sorry "grooms name", what's that say, I can't read your writing. Oh, yeah good in bed sorry. I will now move on to reading out some cards and telegrams. To "grooms name" - best wishes on your wedding "grooms name"- your usual place awaits you on your return. - From the Governor of pentonville jail. To "brides name" - I'm sorry that I couldn't marry y...